Ka Wai Ola - Office of Hawaiian Affairs, Volume 26, Number 11, 1 November 2009 — A LIFETIME OF HOʻOPONOPONO [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

A LIFETIME OF

HOʻOPONOPONO

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"I had to stop living a life oflies," says Keoni, explaining why he confessed last summer to his wife of ten years that he was having an extramarital affair. Upset by her husband s revelation, Lani surprised herself in the way she reacted: "Normally, I would have been swinging, swearing, crying, and out of there," she says. But the O'ahu eouple decided to use a tool they had just acquired - ho oponopono, literally setting to right, a traditional Hawaiian way of mending fractured relationships.

Curious to leam more about a practice that was absent from their own upbringing in Native Hawaiian households, they had recently completed a ho'oponopono workshop taught by venerated master Mālia Craver. Being in ho'oponopono sessions has turned out to be more intense than they ever imagined, say Keoni and Lani, who prefer not to use their real names in this story. Their haku - as the ho'oponopono leader is known - is a protege of Craver's, coaxing them to explore their mutual tangle of hurt with compassion for one another, so that they may release their bad feelings and be in harmony again. "The truth is hard to face," says Lani softly. "There is no written scripted stuff, just me realizing that other people care, but sometimes I don't like hear what they tell me. I was being selfish," says Keoni. The eouple admits they may be a way off from the

forgiveness that ho'oponopono aims for, but somehow the sessions have made them feel lighter, readier to laugh and spend time with one another. One thing they agree is that their haku and Aunty Mālia have given them hope just by the way they listen. "They have cried with us, real tears," said Keoni, who grew up in Craver's windward O'ahu neighborhood. "We would go catch fish and always make sure she got her share. To watch her eat what we brought, you could see she appreciated the moment. She valued little things. She was this attractive kupuna with jet-black hair and so humble. When I saw her pass by, she had this majestic walk. I was young then and didn't understand you can't just go rush through life, saying only what you think others want to hear and smothering it all with gravy. Aunty was all about teaching us to take the time to make things right." The death of Mary Mālia Kawaiho'ouluohā'ao Craver has shined a spotlight on the many gifts left behind by the inspirational ho'oponopono leader, whose fondest saying was: "Do something! Leave a legacy." She spent thirty years building a legacy of compassion at Queen Lili'uokalani Children's Center, said her colleagues at the agency, gathered around a conference table last month just a few days after she passed on Oct. 3 at age 72. They say they are deeply grateful to Aunty for her tireless efforts in helping QLCC revive ho'oponopono by integrating the tradition of her ancestors into Hawai'i's contemporary social services and aeademic arenas and then later taking responsibility for grooming a new generation of practitioners. However, before going any further, they pause in bittersweet laughter to say that the soft-spoken woman they knew might scold them if they didn't acknowledge that ho'oponopono originates not with modern experts but with kūpuna, beginning way before our time. "Polynesians, being a eanoe and island-based community on a limited land mass, had to develop ways to solve conflict . . . between themselves and others, between ke Akua and nature's elements," said QLCC deputy executive director Dennis Kauahi. "There is a spiritual philosophy of natives everywhere of a eonneetion to a higher power. We have the practice of 'aumākua, and it took the form of ancestors. Not to be esoteric - this was kūpuna and 'ohana. It's in your na'au, even if you cannot describe it. It's been part of generations before us, and the challenge is how we translate it today?" Lehua Po'uha, a QLCC social worker, said Craver, who was first hired as a caseworker aide at the agency three decades ago by thendirector Myron "Pinkie" Thompson, was naturally up to the challenge. "She did not have westem academic credentials but culturally speaking, she had a Ph.D.," Po'uha said, noting that Craver gained the trust of native families by being thoroughly open and honest about who she was as a person. There are different genealogies of ho 'oponopono. Craver traced hers to time spent observing her elders in the culturally intact enclave of Ho'okena in the South Kona area of Hawai'i Island, where she grew

up, said Po'uha. Traditionally, the practice was done in the family, led by an elder, and not open to outsiders. Po'uha believes that Craver added in her own charisma that drew others to follow her down a path of peacemaking, even if this meant they were making a U-turn in a modern society that glorifies competition, conflict and even violence. "The thing is, she was always about aloha. She believedin the goodness of everyone. She made me appreciate the intelligence people have to resolve their own problems, sometimes needing just that extra bit of care, and then they fly with it, straight to the solution," Po'uha said. Ho'oponopono has some unique hallmarks that distinguish it from western psychotherapy, including prayer and silence, used to conquer hostile emotions until there ean eome a release of the pain binding the transgressor and victim. "Aunty Mālia taught me that none of this ean be rushed. God guides us. Many times, we would be in ho'oponopono and an impression comes that says, 'do this.' Aunty gave me the strength and confidence to listen to this voice, because it comes from many spirits in the room. We are never alone," said Po'uha. Po'uha said Craver brought her patient approach into thousands of Native Hawaiian homes where children are the beneficiaries of QLCC's mission in case management. "There were many times when we would discuss a family problem and she would pinpoint the underlying cause right away, but she taught me the method of observing for non-verbal cues and waiting until people let down their guard. Sometimes this took months." Everyone involved in a problem has to be heard in a process that Craver likened to the peeling away of an onion. "When you have people coming together and the spirit is strong, there is the realization that it is not worth holding grudges," said Po'uha. Kauahi said he was thankful that Craver shared his fluency in 'ōlelo Hawai'i. "You cannot fully translate some of the terms of ho'oponopono into English without losing some of the spiritual context," he said, adding that the Hawaiian way of repairing relationships is not to dig up pathologies - something that makes people feel pigeon-holed - but to bring to light people's innate resources, such as the 'ohana. "If someone says to me, my dead grandfather eame to me in a dream last night. From a western standpoint, I might say that the (client has) unresolved issues of grief or is experiencing hallucination," Kauahi said. "But from the cultural standpoint, the question is why did Papa eome? Were you punahele, but now you feel isolated?" To the rational mind, this seems to defy principles of objectivity. Attitudes like this drove ho'oponopono underground under westem and even some ali'i suppression, eclipsing the practice for mueh of the last century. But in the Hawaiian renaissance of the 1970s, the wellspring of Kanaka Maoli culture began tlowing again. This included the QLCC administration's decision to search for cultural knowledge to help marginalized Hawaiian families regain their footing, said Kauahi. QLCC formed its cultural committee in the 1960s and continued through a decade to meet on ways to build native heahh in mind and

body by validating native culture. The committee was spearheaded by scholar Mary Kawena Pūku'i - also a mentor in the practice of ho'oponopono to Craver. The committee's work paved the way for Craver to conceptualize her ancestral knowledge. Her ability to connect with troubled families became so widely recognized that she was there to help when a cadre of Hawai'i judges starting referring seemingly intractable family court cases to ho'oponopono at QLCC. This was unusually adversarial territory for the traditional approach to a style of peacemaking predicated on parties being at least willing to eome to the table. Kauahi said one child custody case involved 15 adults all with different ideas about what was right. "In the western legal system, children are property torn in opposite directions. Mālia Craver was able to stop this hukihuki," he said. In the course of ho'oponopono, she discouraged the one-upsmanship, got the parties to pray to control their hostilities and reminded them that the conflict is not just about them, but about what they are passing on to their children. Po'uha said Craver meant to retire in 1997 but one last calling brought her back to QLCC. She believed the time had eome to train a new generation of haku to lead ho'oponopono, lest a beloved tradition fade again with time. She began teaching regular eight-week instructional workshops in ho'oponopono. While the tradition had become an accepted intervention in social services, schools and courts in the 1980s and 1990s, many wanted to return it to its rightful plaee in the family. So many people signed up for the ho'oponopono workshops that QLCC developed regular wait-lists. Dennis Kauahi said the classes drew a mixed plate of people of various ethnicities and professional backgrounds, though he believes they all share the same debt of gratitude to Craver for the special take-home lesson in ho'oponopono: "It's about respect and kindness and knowing that you ean honor your parents and children in everything you do. Ho'oponopono isn't just an intervention. Use it and you will avert conflict and hurt and illness. It's not something you turn on and off. It is part of your daily life." ■

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mo olelo nui cūver feature

Native Hawaiians who thank Aunty Mālia Craver for helping grow ho'oponopono are pictured left to right: Mili Kawa'a formerly with QLCC and current QLCC staffers Dennis Kauahi and Lehua Po'uha. - Photo: Uza Simon